I was always wondering in life. Always confused, never had a clear answer for things in life. I always knew I had a sense that I was born for a purpose, but I never had the slightest clue what that was. Movies and media told me that I was born to seek freedom, which meant in their terms to seek physical satisfaction. Even when they talked about ideals, they said the greatest ideal was freedom. Years and years passed by, I was under the illusion that I was somehow on a sacred mission to protect freedom. In order to do that, I would think that I need to affirm my freedom and the freedom of others by breaking “societal norms”.
Years passed by, I forgot my causes and purposes. To prove that I was smart and knew what I was doing, I had a system, work very hard, make a lot of money, spend and induldge in physical pleasures. If I could keep my numbers right, in good shape, I thought I would never need to focus on anything spiritual. My soul, if it ever existed, would have to work harder to get noticed. If my body and heart make themselves heard, why is my soul remaning silent?
More years passed by, all the numbers were in check. Every detail was right. Success at work, all forms of physical pleasure, lots of money. Amazingly, despite that, I was feeling a huge void inside, and it was getting bigger and bigger. I couldn’t figure out why all those around me would in one way or another were on a path of self destruction. It was like whenever I looked at what I thought was a beautiful white flower, I would take a closer look and see a swarm of maggots.
Shock after shock, disappointment after disappointment. Masks fell, loved ones fell from grace and friends betrayed. What I could never figure out was, why is the same thing happening again and again?
In order to avoid any type of religious obligation, I research all the new age forms of spirituality I could find. I tried to treat my spiritual yearning as a pain I just needed to numb. I guess it comes as no surprise that I reached no level of success, just more pain, misery and emptiness inside.
As I am writing this, there seems to be a flow of words coming out of my mind, nothing has been proof read, and I intend to publish this exactly as it has been written.
I had a crisis of consceience, always felt that there is something I should be doing that I am not. That is exactly how it felt, and I would always take that back to ADD, or just the fact that I was confused and tired, so maybe it was my mother constantly pushing me to achieve that filled me with such unwarranted guilt.
It finally became apparent to me, in true Arean form, that I needed to do something about this “situation”, I needed to solve life’s questions and do it really quickly and once and for all. There was another part of me that was really sceptical. How was I to find the truth? How was I to answer the questions people spent their whole lives trying to answer?
I spent a almost 2 years (a very short time) in extreme pain, humiliation, helplessness and despair. I had never lost my belief in Allah, and somehow I had to call on him. I would release and SOS from earth to the heavens calling in HIM to SAVE me, to “beam me up”. No one else had the answers, no one else could save me. I trusted no one, believed no one and wanted no one. I even lost faith in myself, I finally came to the conclusion that niether my brain, nor any human brain or combination of human brains could answer my questions. My answer had to come from HIM and only HE could answer. But would he?