All through my life I have always struggled to find meaning, reason and sense. During this struggle I have always had a deep sense of utter emptiness and lack of purpose.
I had this inner emptiness which I felt, a sense of loss and confusion. Older people always told me to live my childhood and just ignore the feeling, or they ignored my questions all together.
At one time, I was subjected to attempts at indoctrination by a holy “person”, I refused these attempts because they collided with my common sense and what I had been taught at home.
This is where I got my first sense of rejection and persecution. The holy person started to reject me and encourage the other people in my class to do the same. This had a great impact on me as I was growing up.
I learnt to secretly disagree, but never to directly question those who are older or in authority, because they always had aggressive or passive aggressive reactions.
During my teenage years, I was indoctrinated (directly by others and indirectly by media) about the joys of indulging in the physical world. The need to satisfy the ego an physical desires.
I learned the joys of rebellion and I started to realise that a lot of what I had been taught was either too superficial to matter, or just NOT TRUE.
I learned that those in authority and power could and would most probably be corrupted….
I spent the next 15 years in rebellion and confusion, with small flashes of light appearing, it was like a 3d image right in front of me, I just had to change my perspective a little bit and the path would appear…..
I fell in love with the wrong people, followed the wrong goals, all while constantly searching…
During my teenage years, I had one profound experience. I came in touch with a teacher, an old man, engineer who showed me a new way of studying and learning for school.
He made me realise I had been cheating my self for so many years, learning just as little as possible, enough to pass the test, but never really UNDERSTANDING. He taught me that it was OK to ask questions and take as much time as necessary to UNDERSTAND. It wasn’t about exams and passing, it was about LEARNING….
This was my life’s most profound discovery yet….
TO BE CONTINUED….